Guilt and the Busy Father

Fathers are often the people who earn the money in the family. Their role is usually to be the provider and the protector of the family. Often the time and effort of shouldering this responsibility takes a lot of energy and commitment, sometimes leaving very little of either for the family and the children. Guilt often becomes an important factor.

Let's look at some of the areas that can cause guilt:

- The amount of time spent at home is often a guilt issue for fathers. Many men are required to work away from home, sometimes for long periods of time. Some dads work long days, going out in the morning before the children awaken, coming home at night after they are asleep. It can be difficult being part of a family on a relatively part-time basis. The children's daily lives can become an increasingly unknown area.

• Discipline is sometimes a difficult subject for a father. The 'wait till your father comes home' school of thought can be an unfortunate way for children to get to know their father, and many men want to have a more affectionate relationship with their children. But fathers often want their children to be polite and well-behaved, to treat people with respect. Sometimes children need a man's firm presence to insist on acceptable behaviour.

• Demonstrating being an effective male role model is an important part of being a good father. Many men have guilt about the way their children sometimes see them behave. Being busy, stressed, irritable at times is part of life but is sometimes communicated in unfortunate ways. Children see how their father handles problems, how he treats other people and their mother. His drinking habits, way of life and hobbies are all absorbed by interested children.

• Money can be seen as a way of compensating for not being around as much as he would like. Becoming a soft touch, a hand out whenever the children want money can sometimes become a way of compensating for lack of time spent with them or for being bad-tempered when stressed and tired. Children will take the money and treats but will often prefer to have time spent with them. Many children value doing things with their father; going to a match, playing in the garden, even helping with do-it-yourself jobs around the house are often treasured times spent together.

• Time is a precious commodity. Remembering those interviews with celebrity fathers or hearing the stories of men who are becoming fathers again with their second or even third families might help to put the importance of time into perspective. Many fathers regret how busy they were the first time round, how they were not available for their children and are now determined to do it right this time. Those precious missed moments cannot be repeated. Sometimes it worth pausing and weighing up what is being gained and what is being lost when time is initially being allocated in the diary.

Many men relish becoming a father. Whether it be a son or a daughter they are often filled with pride at the thought of their child being a part of their life. And yet often, life gets in the way of that precious time. Balancing commitments and ensuring that there is enough quality time and energy to enjoy children growing up, to ensure that memories are built and relationships established is an important way to minimise guilt in the life of the busy father.

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